Public Hand-Ass Affection (Please Make it Stop!!)

So the other day I'm strolling through Jordan Creek Mall when I get stuck behind this couple in their mid-40s. All is good except for two things: They're walking so slowly, they're practically standing still (and, as you all know, I am an on-the-go type of guy). Also, the guy has his hand secured snugly inside the back pocket of the woman's jeans.


Ass man that I am (see some of my previous posts), I have never understood the allure of the "let me walk around with my hand in the back pocket of my girl's jeans" maneuver. First of all, it's not comfortable. I love ass, but I also love comfort. And when I'm walking through a picturesque park, a windswept alley, or Jordan Creek Mall, it's all about comfort. If the hands are inserted into said pocket quickly, say during a spontaneous kiss or while pausing to whisper some sweet and sexy little smalltalk such as "You rock" or "Let's go dress up as pirates and fuck each other retarded," then I can understand... my hands are roaming your backside and sliding them into your pockets is acceptable, as long as it is only for a moment. But to walk for any great distance with a hand in someone's back pocket? Unacceptable.

As fate would have it, a few hours later at Valley West Mall, I see an even greater offense: A hookerish-chick in her early 20s walking with some thick-necked lug in a Gold's Gym sweatshirt who's simply gripping her ass as they amble along. No back pockets, hell not even a beltloop to slide a couple fingers through; just his beefy mitt on her rather bitchin' ass. I'm watching this madness asking myself, "What's the message here?" Is he that enamored of her backside that he has to get his feel on 24/7? Or, more likely, is it a not-so-subtle message to all us pencil-necks: "When I'm not pounding iron or quaffing protein shakes, I'm tapping THIS SPECTACULAR ASS! And YOU'RE NOT!"

Please people, let us use some common sense and relax on the public ass-grabbing. Besides, when a guy has his hand on some girls ass, that blocks my view!!!! Totally unfair!!!